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Self-Love & Relationships

Emotional Abuse: The Signs That I Overlooked

I never thought that I would end up in a toxic and abusive relationship but that’s exactly what happened. I didn’t see the signs all at once and it took me a while to even admit it to myself that I had been in an abusive relationship because again I never thought that I would end up in that position. But once the relationship ended and I did some research, got into therapy, I discovered that my ex was an emotional abuser.

According to crisistextline.org emotional abuse is described as:

Controlling another person’s actions and behaviors through verbal and emotional manipulation.

Many of the abusive actions that my ex displayed during our relationship were signs that I dismissed because at the moment it didn’t seem like a big deal but it didn’t feel right either. Many times I would find myself trying to explain his behavior. But my explanations illuminated that this relationship wasn’t healthy. Now a year later, I can pinpoint the abusive behavior that I missed.

The Signs I Ignored

  1. My ex would constantly criticize me for not responding to him in the way that he felt I should respond when he was sad or going through something. At first, I would try to use the “tips” that he’d say would help. But whenever I used them the criticism would continue. It got to the point where it seemed like I couldn’t do anything right. I couldn’t say the right thing, wear the right thing, etc.
  2. My ex would also blame me for any and everything that went wrong in our relationship. Of course, there were times when I messed up but not to the extent that he blamed me. In fact, nothing was ever his fault. I wasted a lot of time trying to fix myself when I wasn’t really the issue.
  3. My ex would call me out of my name and then validate his reasoning for doing so.
  4. There were a few times when my ex would threaten to hurt himself when he noticed that I was trying to leave the relationship.
  5. On the flip side, there were many times when my ex would withhold communication and affection from me if I didn’t do what he wanted me to do (e.g., giving you the silent treatment).
  6. Unbeknownst to me at the time, my ex would log into my email, phone, or social media profiles without my permission.
  7. My ex would take my debit and credit cards and spend my money without asking. When I would confront him about it, he would get very upset about it and never own up to any wrongdoing.
  8. Lastly, my ex always deflected the blame and responsibility for any of the above actions, leaving me to always feel like I was the one at fault (aka, gaslighting).

You don’t have to have each of these occur in order for you to be in an emotionally abusive relationship because I didn’t. It’s important to note that emotional abuse doesn’t only happen in romantic relationships, it can happen in any relationship.

The Aftermath

I know that it’s a risk to share this experience. My ex is still in my life because we share a son and I was concerned about how this would affect him. But then I thought to myself, this is a part of my story. Not speaking about it only continues the cycle of control that my ex had over my life. So I chose to share my story, to continue my healing, to hopefully bring more awareness and understanding. To maybe even help or encourage someone else who is in this situation.

Because I still get so upset when I think about how badly I was treated by my ex and I still have scars that affect me in both small and big ways. But most importantly, I am still alive. I got out before things got physical because there were signs that it was definitely headed that way. I thought my ex would change, but emotional abusers are incapable of changing. I repeat emotional abusers are incapable of changing. They are incapable of viewing people or at least their partners as people, they only view them as objects, tools to be used, as a means to an end. So I will never believe that my ex has changed, despite what he sees, the actions confirm it every time.

It’s difficult to parent with an emotional abuser because even though we aren’t in a romantic relationship with each other, the emotional abuse continues in different ways. My ex still tries to manipulate me into getting his way every chance he gets. He also still tries to blame me for things and start arguments over nothing. He still tries to get me to apologize for things that aren’t my fault. How do I deal with it? By remembering that we aren’t together, so the hold that he had is no more. By thinking of my son, and all of the progress that I have made, the milestones I’ve accomplished. By thinking of everything that I have to be grateful for. By praying even when I don’t want to. Lastly, by living my life, on my own terms again. 

If you or someone you know is in an emotionally abusive relationship, know that you are not alone. I hope that this story encourages you and empowers you to do the next step, whatever that may be. Hold on, you are worth it! Share your story in the comments section below, there is healing in our stories.

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Daily Inspiration

Megan Thee Stallion Wants Every Girl To Have A Hot Girl Summer

“Hot girl summer” is all over social media, we are seeing it in people’s captions , on memes , twitter feeds and we’re even hearing it in conversations. The phrase belong to Texas Rapper Megan Thee Stallion aka Hot girl Meg. The rapper suggest that we all indulge in the hot girl vibes this summer and if you don’t know what this means keep reading.

Every girl who is screaming “Hot girl summer” right now is living their best life. The hot girl summer vibe is about doing you for you, hmmm sounds familiar right. We talk about this all the time, which is why we are here for it! It’s about enjoying life, being confident, having fun with your friends, securing the bag and not giving a damn about how people feel about you living your life. If you want to have a hot girl summer here’s what you can do.

  1. Go on dates
  2. Dress up and show up more
  3. Book a Girl’s trip
  4. Book a Romantic Trip
  5. Attend after work spots this includes: lounges and happy hour
  6. Stop worrying about that fu** Boy
  7. Stick to your goals
  8. Stay fit
  9. Stay hydrated
  10. Say ” No” to everything you don’t want
  11. Work on Building your credit
  12. Accept every job offer if you can
  13. Register your business name
  14. Block everything that’s in your way
  15. Make sure you keep your crystals on you, good vibes only.

Megan you really got the net working with this one and if you know what I know you’ll own “hot girl summer” and I say that in my BOSS VOICE *coughs*

How are you having a hot girl summer?

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Self-Love & Relationships

How to Stay True to Yourself in a Relationship

It is important to value your authentic self whether you are single, in a relationship, or somewhere in between. Staying true to yourself is vital to your happiness and satisfaction in life and love. But how, exactly, do you stay true to yourself? And how do you know when you are losing yourself in another’s life.

Putting this concept into action can be hard when you don’t know where to start. And impossible if you don’t really know what being “true to yourself” means. So here are four ways to develop and understand your own authenticity and maintain your sense of self in any relationship. 

1. Know Thyself

Remaining true to who you are requires knowing who you are in the first place. So how do you get to know who you are? 

  • Start by identifying your defining features. What makes you different from those around you. What makes you unique or special. What are your particular skills, talents and gifts. 
  • Then list the core values and beliefs you hold. What really matters to you and would affect the way you live, love and think. What values would you want to share with a partner.
  • Then consider want you want in and for your life. What milestones do you want to hit. What expectations do you want to challenge. What goals do you want to achieve.
  • Finally, think about what you like. What are your interests and hobbies. What brings you joy, makes you happy, and makes you feel fulfilled and satisfied. 

2. Know Your History

To know how to hold yourself together in relationships you need to know when you’ve let yourself go. Parsing through your relationship history will help you recognize when you have lost yourself in another. Think back to your past. Who were you in those relationships. What about you changed, and what stayed the same. What parts of your personality, lifestyle, values and desires did you retain, abandon for or adapt to the other person. Why and how did this happen. And how long did it take you to notice.

3. Make a Home Base

Once you understand who you are and recognize when you begin to get away from yourself, establish a “home base” or center. This is a foundation of activities and experiences that create a confident, peaceful and complete sense of self. Anything and anyone that doesn’t serve your highest self can’t stick around. 

4. Stay Centered

Once your center is established you must protect it. If you start feeling pulled away from center engage in activities or rituals that refocus your energy. Concentrate on self re-connection and self-care to ensure you don’t get lost in your partner’s life. Meditate, dance, paint, pray. Do whatever gave you that sense of wholeness when you were single even when you’re not. 

Whether you’re single or attached you are your first love. Self-love is the standard and that doesn’t change with your relationship status. True love may be hard to find, but staying true to yourself once you find it doesn’t have to be. Remaining true to who you are takes dedication, but with the right knowledge and skills you can stay whole even when you become part of a couple.

Categories
Daily Inspiration

How to Vibrate higher around negative energy

No matter how many negative people you cut off, you can still be surrounded by negative energy at any given time. You can come across negative energy at work, at the mall, in the street, at your favorite restaurant, pretty much anywhere. So how do you handle it? you can either allow them to lower your vibration or ignore them and continue to vibrate higher. Vibrating higher is always an option for us. Here are five tips to think about before you allow someone to lower your vibration.

Smile

Unfortunately, we have some miserable people in this world, who don’t like to see other people happy. Smile through it all, they hate it. Not only do they hate it but you can’t allow people to get the best of you. That will be like giving them too much power. Remember you are responsible for your own happiness, no one can take that away. SMILE!

Keep it Brief

Shorten your time around these negative nancies. It’s not about giving someone the power to make you leave, it’s about being mentally strong and knowing when it’s time to go. Once you feel the energy in the room is changing or something bad might happen, that’s when you know it’s time to go. Listen to your gut and protect your energy by any means necessary. As you leave the room make sure you leave with a graceful exit.

No reaction is the best reaction 

Sometimes people will purposely do or say things to get a reaction out of you. Don’t react. Instead, stay calm and think positive. By thinking positive you’re preventing yourself from stooping down to their level and lowering your vibration. If you should respond, respond with kindness. If this doesn’t work changing the subject will. Have you ever been at a table with people who love to gossip but when you mentioned something everyone was interested in, like money or new job opportunities; now everyone is open ears. Yes, turn a bad conversation into a good one, it seems to always work.

Meditation

Meditation strengthens your spirit and aura. When you are spiritually strong you are more likely to handle certain situations in a positive way. Another good thing about practicing meditation is that it allows you to connect with your higher self, this can shake off any bad energy around. So before you start your day take 10-15 minutes to meditate.

Is it worth it?

Don’t argue with a fool, they will drag you down with them. It’s not worth it. Keep in mind, people with a lower vibration than yours are going through a lot . These people have issues, they might be struggling with depression, mental illness, family issues, drug abuse and so on. There’s a reason why they are not vibrating higher. So you have to ask yourself is it really worth arguing with them? let us answer that for you, NO it is not. You have goals and plans you’re working on. You have no time to let negative energy affect you. It’s not worth it girl.