Self-Love & Relationships

Are you in Love or Complacency? How to Tell the Difference

Have you ever stayed in a relationship that wasn’t fulfilling? Maybe it was the time you put in, or not wanting to look like a bad person that made you stay. Maybe you hoped that the person would change, or your feelings for them would change. I have definitely been in a relationship I was merely existing in, it wasn’t love but at the same time I was afraid to leave. There are definitely some telltale signs on whether or not you are truly in love, or merely just riding the wave of complacency hoping it leads to love. Here are a few ways to tell:


When you’re truly in love you want to do things with that other person. When you think of trips or dates, even watching a movie, often it is them that crosses your mind to want to do it with. Now, this doesn’t mean that you are going to want to spend every waking moment with them,though in the beginning you might, but you want to spend time together, even if it means doing absolutely nothing when you are in love. 


Complacency is almost like laziness. You feel stuck with the person. They aren’t necessarily who you want to be around but you feel almost like you have no other choice. Maybe you don’t have many other friends or they are simply always around. You could take or leave them but often times you are stuck “taking” them simply because they are there.


When people ask you why are you together or what you love about your mate, you think of all of their characteristics that you love, you think about the fun you have together, positive memories come to mind, you think about all of the good that outweighs the bad. You may not say every single reason but you begin to think of all of the many reasons why you love them.


When people ask you why are you together or what you love about your mate, you begin to wonder if you even love them. You think about all of the time you have put into the relationship. You think about the things they do for you. You question how long it would take to get to know a new person and you get scared thinking about having to start all over with someone new and if a new person would even accept or love you.


When they first walk in the house whether you’ve been with them for a year or ten, you want to hug them, you want to touch them, to hear about their day. Even when you need your own space you still want to know that they are around when you are ready to talk and unwind with them. 


You often get irritated by their presence. Little things they do drive you insane. You can’t quite pinpoint what it is that bothers you but they easily get under your skin and annoy you all the time. You rarely want to spend time with them and you often make excuses to do your thing simply to not have to be around them. 


Your future with them is clear. You want to be with them for the long term, possibly have a family, start a life together, encourage each other to complete goals. You can’t imagine yourself without them in your life and you can’t wait for forever to begin.


You often question their purpose in your life. Some days you can see yourself being together but most days you feel like you are doing time. You often visualize yourself being single or maybe even with another person. You get anxiety thinking about spending the rest of your life with your partner.


You know your partner isn’t perfect. There are definitely things he needs to work on but you love him. You love his silly quirks and know that they add to his personality. You both actively work to be the best versions of yourselves and even when you are fighting the love doesn’t dissipate.


The bad outweighs the good with your partner. You are constantly thinking of things they need to change. You can’t see them ever being the person you want them to be and you may not even feel you are who they want you to be with. 

If you leaned more towards complacency than love, why do you think that is? Do you feel like time is keeping you and your mate together? Perhaps you share a child, are married or simply don’t want to let them or the people  around you down. I will say this, if you’re not married and don’t share a child together you should definitely be thinking about your feelings on this one. There is no reason to waste time trying to force someone to change who they are or force yourself to be someone you are not. There are literally billions of people in this world and trust me, there is at least one that you will mesh with. As far as marriage or sharing a child, you should definitely try counseling, talk to your partner and exalt every option you can before making your final decision.

Life is short and you never want to have to ask yourself, what if?

Are you in love or complacency?

As always

Love & light


By Ashley Renee

Ashley Renee is a soul food enthusiast, sometimes plant based, spoken word poet, who doesn't trust boxed macaroni or cats. To keep up with her head over to her twitter and Instagram @ashleyreneepoet also check out her website.

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