Self-Love & Relationships

Breaking Unhealthy Bonds

He calls, you answer. He doesn’t call, you go into crisis mode. He stops calling, you keep calling, texting, insta-stalking, begging and pleading to God to bring back your man, who isn’t really your man but damn sure felt like your man the last three weeks, months or years you spent pretending and hoping he would officially make you his. So how do you get over him? How do you get over the man you shared your heart with, your bed with, your hopes, dreams and aspirations? How do you pretend none of that happened and simply walk away? You don’t. It all happened so why pretend it didn’t? It would be crazy to think someone you had such a deep bond with never existed. Regardless of how he might have made you feel in the end, at one point you had something that felt very real and the only way to get over it is to face it and feel it.

1. Face the facts

Why do we try to pretend that we don’t have feelings? Why do we bottle up everything inside until the moment we’re on our third mimosa at brunch and our friend asks how are we doing, do we decide to break down in an all out snotty, obnoxious crying breakdown? It’s unhealthy to hold in emotions and trust me no one wants to see snot running down your nose when they are trying to enjoy their chicken and waffles at brunch. You have to deal with your emotions and when it happens at that. Don’t busy yourself with work. Don’t pretend everything is ok when it isn’t and don’t jump into another unhealthy relationship. Cry when you want to. Write a note cussing him out if it makes you feel better. Allow yourself to feel the emotions you are going through just don’t stay in that bad place. Don’t get stuck feeling bad, or angry, or mad at yourself. You loved someone or at least it felt like you did and that is normal. Feel what you need to feel and move on. It may take a week, a month or a year to get over but it will be much easier to move on fully when you’ve already dealt with your emotions than if you had of swept them under the rug like they never existed.

2. Love yourself unapologetically

Maybe you messed up with this guy. Maybe you gave too much of yourself while he consistently gave too little. Maybe you carried baggage from your past relationship and put it all on him. Maybe you just weren’t ready for everything he provided. Maybe he didn’t provide enough and you stayed until he left. Whatever it is that happened or didn’t happen you have to forgive yourself and more importantly, love yourself. When we truly love ourselves we don’t allow ourselves to stay in that stuck place for too long because it’s painful and no one wants to cause someone they love pain, because love is not painful. Treat yourself the way you treat a child. You love them even when they spit up on you, when they cry incessantly for hours, even when they pull your hair and tell you that your food tastes disgusting. You love them because as messed up as they are sometimes to you, they are still cute little angels, innocent from the evils of the world. So why don’t you love yourself that way? When you truly love you, you won’t allow someone to repeatedly hurt you and keep coming back. That sounds more like torture to me, but we do it. Time and time again we allow ourselves to be hurt and in case it hasn’t stuck yet, that is not love. Take time to focus on things that make you healthy and bring joy into your life. Get rid of clutter, deep clean your house, light an incense or scented candle, take a twerk class, write a poem, binge watch a ridiculous show on netflix. Whatever it is that equals love in a healthy way, do it.

 3. Move on

Now comes the hard part. The no longer being able to drunk text on Friday night part. The not showing up at his door, or opening yours at 2am part. The ignoring his calls and not watching his insta story part. The excruciating part that has to be done. Breaking the bond. All of that self love stuff sounds good until it’s time to actually do the work. But I promise you can do it. You hate this cycle, that’s why you’re here. You want to let go, as hard as it is, you know it is what’s best. Cutting the cord is not easy but it’s necessary. If you have to block him, do it. If you have to stop drinking to avoid the inevitable drunk text you are bound to send, throw out the wine girl and if you have to change your number, do it! Breaking unhealthy bonds is not easy but neither is constantly running back to a man that you know doesn’t love you. So cut–the–cord. If you need to enlist a friend to yell at you every time you bring up his name, do it!  Trust me your friends are tired of hearing about him anyway they will gladly help. Get out the house, try a new activity, plan a girls night, just get that man out of your head and by all means, out of your bed as soon as possible to fully move on.

Breaking unhealthy bonds is never easy but it is always possible if you are truly ready and willing to move and trust me you have to be ready for any of this to work, if not you will be going through the same cycle all over again.

As always,

Love & light


By Ashley Renee

Ashley Renee is a soul food enthusiast, sometimes plant based, spoken word poet, who doesn't trust boxed macaroni or cats. To keep up with her head over to her twitter and Instagram @ashleyreneepoet also check out her website.

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